Scene 6
The secret is finally revealed. On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." and God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." so God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" and God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy & worship god. Do nothing, just enjoy & worship god. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
Management Lesson:
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support ourfamily; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. In all these stages, we forget to worship god for his grace on us.
Scene 7
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the Boss. So the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a**hole should be the Boss, and so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a**hole will do.
Scene 8
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing overwhich one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands John, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, John says, "I'll give you $1000 to drop that towel that you have on"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of John. After a few seconds, John hands her $1000 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
"It was John the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?"
Management Lesson:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stakeholders, you may be in a position toprevent avoidable exposure.
Scene 9
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endlesssupply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management Lesson:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Scene 10
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Management Lesson:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Management Lessons
Scene 1
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." so, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Scene 2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Scene 3
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."They decide d they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
Scene 5
Once three government ministers Mr. ABC, Mr. PQR and Mr. XYZ were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Lord of death was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.
He asks ABC and PQR to go to HEAVEN. But, for XYZ, he had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.XYZ is not at all happy with this decision. He asks the load of death as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment?He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre conceived notions.
Lord of Death agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test. ABC is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. PQR is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is XYZ's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
XYZ protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and hat he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
Lord of Death then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that XYZ should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).ABC is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. PQR is asked to write "BILLI BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. XYZ is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. He fails again. He is extremely unhappy.
Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Lord of Death says 'OK', but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.ABC is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed. PQR is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Lord of Death asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000. PQR catches it and says 200,000 and passes. It's XYZ's turn now.
Lord of Death asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. XYZ accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
Management Lesson:
"IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS JUST NO ESCAPE"
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." so, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Scene 2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Scene 3
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
- Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
- And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."They decide d they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
Scene 5
Once three government ministers Mr. ABC, Mr. PQR and Mr. XYZ were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Lord of death was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.
He asks ABC and PQR to go to HEAVEN. But, for XYZ, he had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.XYZ is not at all happy with this decision. He asks the load of death as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment?He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre conceived notions.
Lord of Death agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test. ABC is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. PQR is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is XYZ's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
XYZ protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and hat he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
Lord of Death then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that XYZ should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).ABC is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. PQR is asked to write "BILLI BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. XYZ is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. He fails again. He is extremely unhappy.
Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Lord of Death says 'OK', but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.ABC is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed. PQR is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Lord of Death asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000. PQR catches it and says 200,000 and passes. It's XYZ's turn now.
Lord of Death asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. XYZ accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
Management Lesson:
"IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS JUST NO ESCAPE"
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